Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
