her vagine was all disorganized.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
