Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
