If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
