Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
