i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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