That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
