One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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