If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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