based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
