i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
