I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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