He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
