Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
