All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
