That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
