You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
