shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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