Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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