Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
