hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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