P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Who died my cat blue again?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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