you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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