so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
