its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
