dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
