Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
