yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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