no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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