Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
