mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
