From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
