he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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