new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
