He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
