I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
