I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
