I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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