He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
