Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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