I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
