and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
