I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
