talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
