I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
