My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
