Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
