he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
