____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
