apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
