I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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