My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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