I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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